


Incorrect Quotes

by VampireApple



Category: One Piece
Genre: crack!fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:27:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26707486
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VampireApple/pseuds/VampireApple
Summary: Quotes from other fandoms, memes, tweets, tumblr post, and vines applied to One Piece characters.  .  .37The four oldest members of the Straw Hats were relaxing on the deck. Brook was playing music that Franky was dancing to while making small repairs. Robin and Jinbe peacefully drank tea while watching the spectacle.A random citizen of the town wandered onto the ship, curious about the bright colors. Franky was moonwalking backwards when he stumbled over the intruder.“Argh!” Franky yelled.Brook stopped playing, very offended at the interruption.“You threw off my groove!” Franky yelled.The poor soul sputtered and giant hands appeared and grabbed them.Robin gave the terrified local a friendly smile that was very threatening. “I’m sorry, but you threw off Franky’s groove.”She chucked the annoyance off the Sunny. The previous merriment continued.(The Emperor's New Groove)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 36





	Incorrect Quotes

**Author's Note:**

> I love the various incorrect quotes I've seen floating around the internet, and I decided to try my hand at it by adding the quotes to scene that don't necessarily match what was happening in the original context.

. . .  
1

Garp grinned down at his three grandsons. "Listen up brats. Today we're going to commence your intense training under me."

"But wait. Wouldn't that cause horrible muscle degeneration for kids our age? Crippling us for years to come?" Sabo asked. 

Garp stared at him. Ace and Luffy took full advantage of his distraction to run away. "You're a wordy little bastard aren't you?" 

Sabo looked confused. 

"Nerd!" Garp screamed as he picked Sabo up and threw him into a tree.

. . .  
2

Luffy giggle to himself. He was in the perfect spot to jump out and scare the next person who came along. Oo, it was Usopp!

"Boo!"

"AH!" Usopp yelled. He flailed but was able to keep his grip on his plate and more importantly keep the delicious pastry on it. "Stooop! I coulda dropped my croissant!"

Luffy immediately apologized. Then he stole the croissant.

. . .  
3

"There's a head in the pantry."

Penguin looked up from his mixing bowl to see Jean Bart in front of him. "Damnit Law," he muttered. He went over to the pantry. "Is it alive or dead?"

"Alive," Jean Bart replied as he followed Penguin. He had seen many strange things in his life, but after three days as a Heart Pirate he'd found there was a lot more to see. 

Penguin opened the door and stared at the head, which glared back at him. Someone had stuffed a rag in the poor man's mouth. "I don't even know who this this.” He scratched his head. “Do you know where the rest of you is?"

Muffled screaming. 

Penguin shut the door. “Let's find Bepo. Maybe he'll know."

. . .  
4.0 

"Ace! Ace! ACE!" Luffy pounded on Ace's bedroom door and after five seconds was able to open the door. Ace was totally naked, which did not faze Luffy at all. He'd seen his brother naked plenty of times. But. "Ace, why are you naked? We gotta go!"

Ace stared at his brother for a moment. "I don't have any clothes."

"Yes you do!" Luffy went over to Ace's closest. "You have shirts, pants, boots, hello Marco, undershirts." Luffy pulled out a shirt and threw it at his brother. "Let's go! And if Marco's coming he should put on clothes too!" With that Luffy ran out the door leaving the two naked men behind.

. . .  
5

Doflamingo grinned down at the child in front of him. "And what has brought you to our sanctuary of love and brotherhood my boy?"

Law scowled. "I have a terrible guilt and rage inside me that can only be quelled by the blood and subjugation of the unclean."

Doflamingo laughed. "You'll fit right in!"

. . .  
6 

Usopp looked around the island in distrust. "But why did you bring us here?"

Nami rolled her eyes. "It was supposed to be for restocking supplies. This is one of the safest islands on record. There's never anything dangerous here."

At that moment the ground started to shake and Luffy could be heard yelling in the distance. 

Nami sighed and started heading back to Sunny. "There are sentences I should just keep away from."

. . .  
7

Franky stood in front of his crew. "Okay, we are going into a cup de burst. Do you have your devil fruit burst buddy?"

Zoro immediately grabbed Luffy and Chopper while Usopp grabbed Brook. Sanji tried to convince Robin that he should hold her, but she declined, saying she could use her fruit to hold herself in place. Franky initiated the burst while Sanji was still begging, thus he went flying across the deck. Zoro snickered. 

. . .   
8

Koby and Helmeppo sat down at a table in the mess hall. Koby had been away for a month on assignment and was eager to hear the latest gossip. "Anything happen while I was away?"

Helmeppo laughed. "You know how Garp refuses to carry a denden?"

"Yeah, something about how they keep dying, and someone around him always has one." Koby thought it was pretty responsible of the Vice Admiral to refuse to carry a snail. The little guys were not exactly fragile, but very few things were hardy enough to stand up to Garp's lifestyle. 

"Well, apparently a few Commodores and Rear Admirals decided to poke fun at him, so they gave him a kid's denden. It plays the ABC song when a certain button is pushed. Garp started carrying it around. When he didn’t want to talk to someone he'd push the button and say 'excuse me, I need to take this' and leave! Once he was in a meeting with Fleet Admiral Sakazuki and he got so annoyed he pushed the button and left!"

Both of them laughed at that. Neither were surprised by Garp's actions.

"I asked one of them why they did it, and he said they wanted to embarrass him enough so he'd get a real denden," Helmeppo added.

Koby snorted. "Bold of them to assume Garp gets embarrassed.”

. . .  
9

Franky burst into Iceburg's office, completely ignoring everything else. 

"Have you seen my new desk! Its made of MAHOGANY!"

"That's gre-" Iceburg tried to speak.

"And not just any mahogany, but mahogany from the planet of Malkior 7. Where the trees are 500 feet tall and breath FIRE! From these trees my desk was forged, using ancient blood-rituals of the Malkior people. Not only does this make my desk nigh indestructible, but it can bend the fabric of reality itself!"

Iceburg stared at him. "Are you done?"

"Also it's a very fine desk. Very productive."

"Please leave."

"Mahogony," Franky muttered as he walked out of the room. 

. . .  
10 

"Zoro, I made this friendship bracelet for you!" Luffy said. 

Zoro stared at the proffered bracelet. "You know I'm not really a jewelry person."

Luffy started to pull it back. "You don't have to wear it..."

Zoro snatched it. "No, I'm going to wear it forever. Back off."

. . .  
11 

Shore leave was a wonderful thing in Thatch's opinion. He loved cooking, but he also enjoyed trying different restaurants. Currently he was eating with the other commanders sampling the local cuisine. It was very well seasoned. 

Marco was staring at some very spicy food. "I'm going to do something stupid."

Ace started jumping up and down, waving his arms around. "I'm something stupid, do me!"

. . .  
12

Robin watched Zoro walk across the Sunny. "What are you doing out of the infirmary?"

"I wasn't hurt that badly. Chopper said all my bleeding was internal. That's where all the blood is supposed to be."

Robin raised an eyebrow but went back to reading her book. He'd pass out eventually and Chopper would drag him back. 

. . .  
13

Usopp looked up from his writing. "Hey, Luffy, what rhythms with orange?"

Luffy cocked his head to the side. "No it doesn't."

Usopp opened his mouth then closed it. It was his own fault for asking Luffy in the first place.

. . .  
14

Nami hit Luffy on the head. "Oh, so suddenly you don't have a death wish!"

"Nami, I've never had a death wish. It's just that I don't believe that I, personally, even can die." Luffy pouted while rubbing his head. 

. . .  
15

Law dodged a punch from Doflamingo. He was not doing well in this fight. Suddenly a third person entered the fight.

"Hey Law!" Luffy grinned. 

Law and Doflamingo stared at him. 

"Hey, are you that Mingo guy?"

"I am Warlord Doflamingo, yes," Doflamingo said straight faced.

"Awesome! I'mma deck you in the schnoz!" 

"... I'm sorry, that's a new one. Who are you exactly?"

"I'm Monkey D. Luffy, I'm going to be King of the Pirates! I'm insane!"

"... he means captain," Law clarified.

. . .  
16

Usopp grabbed Luffy to try and stop the rubber man from running. "Wait a minute! You don't go towards the weird scary sound!"

"Yeah we do! We always do!" Luffy broke free and kept running. 

"I hate that about us." Usopp muttered as he followed his captain. 

. . .  
17

Ace started at Thatch. "You spent 68 beli on hair conditioner?"

"Its a small price to pay for self-esteem Ace."

. . .  
18

Robin looked at the landscape of the island they were about to go on. "Look at the mountains over there. Look at how beautiful that is. But we're not here for beauty. We're here for darkness."

"I... I thought we-we were here f-for adventure?" Usopp stuttered.

"Don't be silly," Luffy said. "Darkness is Robin's adventure!"

. . .  
19

Zoro and Luffy stared in horror as some of the treasure they had collected fell into quicksand.

"Nami is going to kill us when she finds out!" Luffy wailed. 

"You mean... if she finds out."

"If... if is good."

. . .  
20

Law stared at Kid. "You can trust me, because I don't care enough about you to lie."

Behind Law Shachi face palmed. "Damnit Law."

. . .  
21

When Chopper first joined the crew he made sure to do checkups on all the crew. Zoro was his last one. "Allergies?"

"Cowardice and weak-willed men. And hazelnuts."

. . .  
22

Luffy grinned widely. "What could be better than serving up smiles?"

Law stared deadpan. "Being dead. Or anything else."

. . .  
23

Ace crossed his arms, glaring at a marine. "If you hurt my brother there is a 100% chance I will come to your ship and kill you."

. . .  
24

Nami smiled sweetly. "I have done nothing wrong in my life, ever."

Sanji put a hand over his heart. "I know this and I love you."

. . .  
25

Zoro and Usopp were currently trapped. Zoro was trying to brainstorm.

"How long can you hold your breath under water?"

Usopp thought for a moment. "I don't know."

"Are you familiar with the term slam and cram?"

"No, and I don't think I want to be."

"How attached are you to your pinky?"

"Very, very attached!" Usopp yelled. "And before you ask another terrifyingly vague question,   
let me be clear. Any plan that involves even one of those scenarios isn't going to work for me."

. . .  
4.1

"I refuse to believe that even Luffy would be that dense," Sabo said. Ace had just finished telling him about how Luffy had burst in on him and Marco naked and not put two and two together. 

"Sabo, I'm telling you it happened. He didn't even question why Marco was naked in my closet." Ace shook his head. "Just wait, it'll happen to you!"

Sabo punched him.

. . .  
26

Zoro had just fallen into a dark pit and the rest of the crew couldn't see him. 

"Zoro, are you okay?" Chopper yelled down.

"I'm sitting in a pool of blood," Zoro yelled back.

"... is it... your blood?" Nami called down.

"Yes, I think so."

"Do you know where its coming from?" Usopp asked curiously 

"Probably from the stab wound."

"Have you been stabbed?" Brook inquired, sipping some tea.

"Oh, yeah, definitely."

Everyone started talking at once.

. . .  
27

Kid walked up to Law. "Trafalar-"

"Eustass, if the next two words out of your mouth aren't 'see ya' then the third word will be 'oh my god. My crotch. You've punched me in my crotch.'"

"See ya." Kid turned around and walked away.

. . .  
28

Marco stormed up to Whitebeard dragging Ace by his ear. "Do you know how many times your son has accidentally started fires?

"I don't know... how many?" Whitebeard asked, fairly amused. 

"Eighteen!" Marco bellowed.

"Seventeen!" Ace yelled indignantly. 

Marco pointed behind them. "What about this one?"

"Oh, yeah," Ace said sheepishly. "Eighteen if you count this one. 

. . .  
29

Zoro looked around. "Luffy? Chopper? Brook? ANYONE!"

Nothing happened.

"Everyone's lost but me," Zoro muttered. 

. . .  
30

Law glared at the playing kids in the park he and Cora-san were passing by. "I hate children."

Corazon rolled his eyes. "You are a children."

. . .  
31

One of the harmless activities Robin enjoyed was listening to conversations around her. When her crew docked she enjoyed going to a cafe and listening to the chatter. One such sunny afternoon a lovely young woman walked past Robin saying "and they were roommates."

"They were roommates," Robin repeated to herself, highly amused. 

. . .  
32

Sanji was getting the food on the table. Luffy was patiently (after several kicks to the head) waiting. "Luffy, would you like some salad?"

Luffy's response was instant. "Since I am not a rabbit, no I do not."

. . .  
33

Luffy pouted as he slumped next to Zoro. "Sometimes Nami asks me ‘Luffy, what do you think you're doing?’ But that just means stop. She doesn't want to actually know my thought process."

Zoro nodded in agreement. 

. . .  
34

"My moral alignment chat is chaotic lawful!" Luffy proudly told Law. 

Law stared at him. "What is that supposed to mean?"

Nami signed. "It means he has a strict moral code but nobody can figure out what the hell it is."

. . .  
35

Usopp walked up to Nami. "Based on statistical evidence I am immortal."

"How so?" Nami asked. 

"Haven't died yet."

. . .  
36

Usopp woke up and immediately wished he hadn’t. His throat was scratchy, his nose was stuffed up, his eyes were gritty, his muscles ached… he overall felt horrible. He managed to stumble his way out to the deck. Luffy was the only one there. “Luffy, I’m sick.”

Luffy grinned at him. “Yeah, you’re sick!”

“No, I mean I’m ill.”

“The illy-ist!” Luffy gave him two thumbs up.

Usopp decided to go find Chopper himself.

. . .  
37

It was a beautiful day at port. The sun was shining, the birds were singing, there was a gentle breeze… The four oldest members of the Straw Hats were relaxing on the deck. Brook was playing music that Franky was dancing to while making small repairs. Robin and Jinbe peacefully drank tea while watching the spectacle. 

A random citizen of the town wandered onto the ship, curious about the bright colors. Franky was moonwalking backwards when he stumbled over the intruder. 

“Argh!” Franky yelled. 

Brook stopped playing, very offended at the interruption. 

“You threw off my groove!” Franky yelled. 

The poor soul sputtered and giant hands appeared and grabbed them. 

Robin gave the terrified local a friendly smile that was very threatening. “I’m sorry, but you threw off Franky’s groove.” 

She chucked the annoyance off the Sunny. The previous merriment continued. 

. . .  
38

Nami walked up to the lower deck like she was absolutely done with the world. She was carrying a drink with two beverages on it. Jinbe assumed she had sought him out for a particular reason. He waited patiently while she handed him his drink and collapsed into a chair. 

“I was telling Robin that Sanji was sick when Zoro yells out ‘have you tried euthanasia?’ then Chopper started screaming ‘for the last time, its called echinacea!’”

Jinbe couldn’t help but laugh. 

. . .  
39

The magically Genie had been stuffed in a stupidly small bottle for a stupidly long amount of time. The Genie was glad to finally be freed, but the person who freed him was… a little strange. 

“And for your third wish?”

Bonny slammed down her fork, having just inhaled her second cheesecake. “TAKE A WILD FUCKING GUESS BUDDY!” she bellowed.

The Genie signed and made a third cheesecake that was as big as the table Bonny was seated at appear. 

. . .  
40

Nami was getting a headache. All she wanted to do was draw her maps in peace. But she couldn’t. She went out onto the deck and bellowed at the top of her lungs “Stop!”

Everyone immediately froze, though three voices filled the air right after Nami’s command. 

Sanji wiggled with heart eyes “In the name of Love!”

Chopper giggled “Collaborate and listen!”

Usopp pulled out a hammer. “Hammer time!”

Nami stared at them for a moment before turning around and leaving.

. . .  
4.3

"Sabo! Sabo! SABO!" Luffy pounded on Sabo's bedroom door and after five seconds was able to open the door. Sabo was totally naked and staring at him in disbelief. "Sabo! I can't find my hat! I need help! Why are you naked! Come on!"

Sabo's couldn't believe this was happening and his mind froze. He said the first thing that came to mind. "I don't have any clothes."

"Yes you do," Luffy went over to Sabo’s closest. "You have shirts, pants, boots, hello Koala, undershirts." Luffy pulled out a shirt and threw it at his brother. "Let's go! Koala, can you put on some clothes and help us look? Thanks!" With that Luffy ran out the door.

"I can't believe I didn't believe Ace," Sabo muttered. 

. . .  
41

Crocodile was not a man who was easily intimidated. Nico Robin’s sudden presence in his meeting with his top officials might warrant some unsettled feelings, however. The woman had claimed she came in for a job interview. He had decided to humor her. It was also a chance to find out more about her mysterious past. 

Currently they were talking about her former employer, who had been found dead in his bed. 

“He was deranged. He was lunatic. He didn’t actually seem to like me very much. He threated to kill me in public.” She said this was small, amused smile on her face. 

Mr. 2 interrupted. “Why would he want to kill you in public?”

Crocodile glanced at his subordinate, annoyed. “I think she meant he threatened, in public, to kill her.”

“Oh.” Mr. 2 thought for a moment. “Was that his final word on the subject?”

Robin’s smile was perfectly nice and her voice perfectly friendly. “Being killed is pretty final, wouldn’t you say?”

A shiver went through everyone in the room. 

Crocodile tried to regain control of the conversation. “But he was your second employer. Your first employer also disappeared.”

“But that was his job, he was an illusionist.”

Crocodile raised his eyebrows. “But he never reappeared.”

Robin titled her head to the side and tapped her chin. “He wasn’t a very good illusionist.”

. . .  
42

Bepo jumped as the door crashed open and Law came storming into his office. “Everything okay?”

Law’s scowl worsened. “If I’m standing behind someone for thirty minutes and they wait until they’re at the counter to start thinking about their coffee order I should legally be allowed to kill them.”

Bepo started to text Penguin and Shachi a warning. 

. . .  
43

Thatch was really annoyed. For being so smart Marco could be really stupid. When Marco did stupid things it made a mess for Thatch to clean up. “Fuck Marco,” he muttered under his breath.

“I’m trying!”

Thatch jumped. He hadn’t realized that Ace had been close by. Great, now he had to listen to the hot-headed idiot moan about his nonexistent love life. Again. Damnit. 

. . .  
44

Nami sat down at the usual cafeteria table. She pulled out a notebook from her back pack. “I just got a new notebook, what should I put in it?”

Luffy immediately offered his opinion. “Put spaghetti in it.”

Nami ignored him with the easy of long practice. “I’m taking suggestions from anyone else.”

Usopp quickly offered his input. “Put spaghetti in it.”

Nami’s eyebrow twitched as she looked around the table. “I’m taking suggestions from anyone except you two.”

Brook took a sip of tea. “Put spaghetti in it.”

Nami signed. “I’m no longer taking suggestions.” She put her new notebook away. 

. . .  
45

Usopp bounded into the deck, really excited about his new invention. He went up to his captain and held out a box. “Guess what’s in this box!”

“Donuts?” Luffy asked. 

“No.”

“Muffins?”

“No.”

“Corn dogs?”

“No.”

“Chocolate?”

“No. Its not food.” 

“Then who cares?” Luffy wandered off. 

Usopp fell down, completely dejected. Jinbe took pity on him and went to ask about what was in the box.

. . .  
46

Chopper bounced up to Jinbe. He wanted to bond with his crewmember and thought a joke was the perfect thing. “Why was six afraid of seven?”

Jinbe thought for a moment. “I’d assume its because seven is a prime number and prime numbers can be very intimidating, so therefore-”

“Because seven ate nine,” Chopper interrupted, extremely disheartened. 

“Oh.” Jinbe paused before asking for another joke. Chopper cheered up immediately. 

. . .  
47

All Law wanted was his usual morning cup of coffee. The barista was currently on another attempt of Shachi’s ridiculous coffee order. He could not leave until he had all four coffees. Unfortunately. 

Ace set his fifth try on the counter. It was purple.

Both men stared at the coffee. 

“I’m new here,” Ace admitted, rubbing the back of his head. 

“I can see that.” Law rolled his eyes. 

“Are you patronizing me?”

“No, I’m insulting you.”

Ace narrowed his eyes. “I don’t like you.”

The two glared at each other until Thatch shoved Ace out of the way because it was 7am and there was a line and he did not have time for this shit, damnit. 

. . .  
48

Nami rubbed her forehead. She’d dragged a few pack mules- er, crewmates, along with her to go haggling- er, shopping. She should have expected this. Somehow Usopp had tripped and then flailed and knocked down seven racks of clothing, three mannequins and a wall. 

“Is there a word for how stupid you are?” she demanded of Usopp, who was still buried under clothes and racks. 

“Zoro?” Sanji oh so helpfully asked. 

Nami would never admit to Sanji how funny she found that comment. 

. . .  
49

After several weeks Law was still not sure how he had been dragged into this new friend group, and moreover, why he could not escape them. The latter probably had something to do with his core friend group not letting him cut ties and run away. Bepo, Shachi and Penguin were annoying like that. 

Sometimes he almost felt at peace. Like right now he and Zoro where dozing at the top of the bleachers. 

Unprompted Zoro spoke. “During high school, I played junior hockey and still hold two league records: most time spent in the penalty box; and I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab somebody.”

Law had nothing to say to that. 

Zoro went to sleep. 

Law got out his phone to vent. Again. 

. . .  
50

Usopp walked into Franky’s workshop. “Can you do me a weird favor without asking any questions?”

Franky immediately stopped what he was doing and stood up. “Isn’t that the bedrock upon which our friendship was founded?

. . .  
51

Chopper bounced up to Luffy in the kitchen. He was excited to share some new medical knowledge. “If you stop eating refined sugars for a while it changes your whole palate. You’ll start noticing the natural sweetness of baby carrots, or whole wheat bread!”

Luffy looked at Chopper while pouring chocolate-covered potato ships into his mouth. “That’s real fucking neato.”

. . .  
52

Shachi rolled his eyes. He’d reached his threshold for Law’s dramatic brooding. He wasn’t nearly as mysterious as he liked to think. “You’re my captain. I know more about you than you think.”

Law snorted. “Oh yeah? What am I allergic to?”

“Pine nuts, and the full spectrum of human emotion.”

Law pouted.

. . .  
53

Ace looked at his two brothers. “Is there a word that’s a mix between sad and mad?”

Sabo responded immediately. “Disgruntled, miserable, desolated.”

Luffy nodded sagely. “Smad.”

. . .  
54

Zoro was not good at pep talks, at all. But he had a soft spot for Chopper (not that he would ever admit it). For Chopper he’d try. “Sometimes you got to just rip off the band-aid and let the scab bleed all over the place.”

Chopper looked a little upset. “That’s not the expression at all!”

“I’m one hundred percent sure that it is.”

Zoro was then subject to another medical lecture. He used the time to take another nap. He’d try the pep talk again when he woke up. 

. . .  
55

The Straw Hats were heading back to their ship after another great adventure. Luffy was on his post adventure high. “We only came close to dying six or seven times, which I thought was pretty good!”

Nami started screeching at him and tried to choke him.

. . .  
56

Usopp was really regretting leaving Sunny. This stupid island with its stupid, scary creatures and its stupid, scary people. He was defiantly going to die this time! “We shouldn’t have come! I knew it! We shouldn’t have come!”

Franky patted him on the back, trying to be comforting. “We had to. There’s safety in numbers.”

“Well, there’s also death in numbers, Franky- its called a massacre!”

Robin giggled like he’d told a funny joke. Usopp started to cry. 

. . .  
57

Luffy was listening to Nami lay out the plan. It didn’t sound like any fun. At all. Therefore “I’m using my veto.”

“Veto?” Nami demanded. “You don’t get veto!”

“You veto my ideas all the time!” Luffy argued. 

The rest of the crew watched the argument like a ping pong match. 

“That’s because your ideas are dumb!” Nami snapped. 

“Name one!” Luffy said indignantly. 

Nami ranted for a while. “And let’s not forget the bathtub snacks!”

“I can’t be the only one who gets hungry in there!” Luffy defended. 

Brook nodded in agreement. 

. . .  
58

Since Ace had decided to stop trying to kill Pops and become a member of the crew Marco had been the one assigned to mentor him. The poor kid was super awkward in relating to people, either sharing too much, telling crazy cannot-possibly-be-true stories about his childhood, or refusing to share anything. And then there were moments like this. 

“I set fires to feel joy.” Ace said that in the middle of an otherwise quiet walk, totally unprompted. 

Marco wasn’t even fazed by this random declaration. It was almost endearing at this point. “That’s adorable.”

. . .  
59

Thatch was relaxing in the shower. It was one of the few times he was able to be by himself. Not that he didn’t love his siblings, but they got to be a bit much. A boiling hot shower with nice smelling shampoo and a dedicated hair care routine was the perfect way to-

He shrieked when the shower curtain was ripped open.

“Hey, Thatch-” Luffy started to say. 

Thatch threw a sponge at him and kept screeching. 

“Stop screaming. Its just me. Where are your chocolate chips?”

Later Thatch might have a hard time explaining to Ace why he was chasing his baby brother down the hallway while he was wet and naked, but damn, throwing Luffy down the stairs was very therapeutic. 

. . .  
4.4 

Nami was reading comfortably on her bed when the storm that was Monkey D. Luffy burst into her room. 

“Nami! Franky just told me about this abandoned building that I totally wanna explore! C’mon! Why are you still in your pajamas!”

Nami in no way wanted to do that. “I don’t have any clothes.”

Luffy went over to her closet and opened the door. “You have shirts, pants, boots, hello Usopp, undershirts. I’ll meet you downstairs!” He ran back out the door. 

Nami and Usopp stared at each other for a moment, each startled, though for different reasons.

Usopp knew he was staring death in the face. “This is the only place I could hide from Sanji and he’d never find me! I didn’t see anything or peep or anything!”

Nami believed him. Usopp wasn’t the type to do anything like that. But. “You have five.”

“Five what!”

“Four.”

Usopp ran screaming from the room.

. . .  
60

Deuce was glad Ace had finally pulled his head out of his butt and joined the Whitebeards. He’d seen the writing on the wall, most likely before Ace himself realized it. Ace fit right in with these weirdos too. He’d never seen such an over dramatic group. They were assembled for their ‘inauguration’. If Deuce wasn’t totally sure about these people, he’d be nervous. 

Izo stood up in front of the gathered crowd. He held up a goblet. “We shall begin your initiation into the Whitebeard Pirates by drinking the blood of the pirates that came before you!”

“Wait, what?” Ace asked. 

“Dude, no,” Deuce said. 

Thatch leaned in and whispered, “Don’t worry, its dyed prune juice.”

That did not fill Deuce with confidence about the general intelligence of this crew. Ace would fit right in with these idiots. 

. . .  
61

Law was trying to impart vital information into the dense rock that was Straw Hat’s head. It was not going well, much to the amusement of both crews and the frustration of Law. Luffy himself was surprisingly attentive, seeming to think this was a sort of game. Law had to resist the urge to strangle the other captain.

"Okay Straw Hat-ya, repeat after me. The Straw Hat-"

"The Straw Hat," Luffy dutifully repeated

"And Heart Pirate-"

"And Heart Pirate"

"Alliance-"

"Alliance"

"Is temporary"

"Is forever!"

Law stopped fighting the urge and grabbed that stupid scrawny neck to throttle the idiot. The laughing only made him tighten his grip and shake harder. 

. . .  
62

Nami was fed up with her crew. This was not out of the norm, honestly. It was her own special brand of Straw Hat crazy that made her try and instill some sort of order in the crew. “Rules were meant to be followed! Nothing is meant to be broken!”

“Um, pinatas,” Usopp immediately countered. 

“Glow sticks!” Chopper yelled. 

“Karate boards,” Jinbe added.

“Spaghetti, when you have small pot,” Sanji said. 

“And rules!” Luffy yelled. 

Nami took most of her anger out on Luffy.

. . .  
63

Usopp kept wandering around the deck, muttering to himself. He had been pacing around, occasionally moving something. Finally Nami broke down and asked him what was wrong. 

“I lose everything! I even lost my goggles!”

Nami saw his goggles on his hat. “I’ll help you find it for 100 beli.”

Usopp was tempted to say yes. A hand grew out of his shoulder and took his googles off his hat. Usopp yelled his thanks. Nami huffed in annoyance. 

. . .  
64

Luffy had a song stuck in his head and there was only one way he was going to get rid of it. 

He bounced up to Brook. “Hey! Can you play that song again?”

“Which one?” Brook was always happy to preform for his captain. 

“The one that goes beep boo boo bop boo boo beep!”

“No, Captain, you’re thinking about beep beep boo boo bop boo boo bop.”

Nami walked out on deck to the two of them making noises at each other and turned right back around.

. . .  
65

Marco banged his fist on the table, getting the attention of all the other commanders. “Alright now everyone pay attention. I have an announcement to make and I only have one minute.”

“Why, are you in a hurry?” Ace asked, already wishing his narcolepsy would kick in. 

“No, I was referring to your relatively short attention spans,” Marco replied. He ignored the boos and items throw his way with practiced ease.

**Author's Note:**

> 1 Dragonball Z Abridged by TeamFourStar, like episode four or five. 2 the croissant vine. 3 Wasn't there a scene in BBC's Sherlock where John finds a severed head in the Fridge? If that wasn't cannon and just some fannon thing I apologize, but that's where the idea came from. 5 Hellsing Ultimate Abridge by TeamFourStar episode eight. 6 pretty sure this one is Doctor Who. 7 based off that one scene in Finding Nemo. 8 based on a tumblr post where this guy was talking about his professor who refused to get a cell phone and some students got him a child's phone and the professor used it like Garp did, and even used it to get out of a department meeting. It was a hilarious read. 9 Dragonball Z Abridged by TeamFourStar, like episode three. 10 from Incorrect Digimon quotes on tumblr. 11 I don't remember where this came from. 12 I think Brooklyn 99. 13 I overheard a 4th grader tell this joke to a class of 1st graders and they didn't get it. I thought it was hilarious. 14 I'm pretty sure this is from Archer. 15 Dragonball Z Abridged by TeamFourStar, like episode twenty-seven. 16 I don't remember. 17 Arrested Development. 18 What Robin said is from Ghost Adventures. 19 Hercules. 20 I'm pretty sure Parks and Rec. 21 Totally Parks and Rec. 22 Spongebob Squarepants. 23 Tumblr post. 24 Parks and Rec. 25 Pretty sure Agents of shield. 26 Tumblr post about 911 operators. 27 Scrubs. 28 Icarly. 29 Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. 30 This was totally taken from Incorrect Digimon quotes on tumblr. 31 the Roommates vine. 32 Parks and Rec. 33 John Mulaney. 34 Incorrect Trek-Quotes. 35 Ranma 1/2. 36 I read this somewhere on the internet, probably before 2010, it just stuck with me. 37 The Emperor’s New Groove. 38 Twitter. 39 Twitter. 40 Sanji’s is from “Stop in the Name of Love” by Diana Ross, Chopper’s is “Ice, Ice Baby” by Vanilla Ice, and Usopp’s is from “Can’t Touch This” by MC Hammer. 41 Clue 42 Paraphrasing a quote from Scrubs. 43 IncorrectDigimon on Tumblr. 44 Tumblr post. 45 iCarly. 46 Supernatural. 47 Monk (the real conversation was about a printer). 48 Dr. Who. 49 Happy Gilmore. 50 Veronica Mars. 51 Tumblr Pos.t 52 The Proposal. 53 Tumblr post. 54 Brooklyn Nine Nine. 55 Percy Jackson and the Olympians. 56 Teen Wolf. 57 Modern Family. 58 Pitch Perfect. 59 Meme. 60 Pitch Perfect. 61 loosely based on a Friends meme. 62 Tumblr post. 63 Arthur. 64 SpongeBob SquarePants. 65 Incorrect Digimon Quotes on tumblr.
> 
> 4.0 - 4.4 Okay, this was taken from Incorrect Trek-Quotes from Tumblr and went as follows: 
> 
> Spock: Why are you naked, Captain?  
> Jim: I don't have any clothes  
> Spock: (opens closet) you have shirts, pants, boots, hello Doctor, undershirts
> 
> The whole thing was just so, so funny to me that I had to put it here. And add more. Because I can totally see Luffy doing this to both his brothers. Then I’m like ‘he could do this to Nami too!’ Maybe one day I’ll have a fic of him doing this to his entire crew.


End file.
